


It’s Okay to Be Broken(Somebody will fix you up Anyway)

by Ash_Cassidy97



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Grant Ward, BAMF Phil Coulson, Coulson is freaking smart and calls everybody's bullshit, Gen, I can not be trusted with cannon, Poor Grant Ward, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is what happens when you watch music videos, semi-cannon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 02:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2451314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ash_Cassidy97/pseuds/Ash_Cassidy97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s Okay to Be Broken(Somebody will fix you up Anyway)<br/>It’s Okay to Be Broken(Somebody’s got to Be)<br/>It’s Okay to Be Ignorant(We all were one Day)<br/>It’s Okay to Be Strange(We all die that way)<br/>It’s Okay to Be Human(because, otherwise you would be classified as an 08-4 and then we'd have a Problem)"</p><p>Grant Ward attempts suicide, and Coulson starts to fix things that the cannon ignores.</p><p> AKA Coulson is freaking smart(he has dealt/ deals with Barton, Romanov, the Avengers, and has become the director of SHIELD), and I refused to believe that he didn't know that Ward was some kind of a double agent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It’s Okay to Be Broken(Somebody will fix you up Anyway)

It’s Okay to Be Broken(Somebody will fix you up Anyway)

It’s Okay to Be Broken(Somebody’s got to Be)

It’s Okay to Be Ignorant(We all were one Day)

It’s Okay to Be Strange(We all die that way)

It’s Okay to Be Human( 'cause otherwise you would be classified as an 08-4 and then we'd have a Problem)

 

* * *

 

_Coulson,_

_You would've thought that I would address Skye or Fitz or May, huh? Those are the people that I am most responsible for hurting. Well, yeah, I did._

_But you're the one who actually knew what the fuck you were dealing with. You knew how fucked up I was before you brought me on board. I was Barton 2.0. I was supposed to be a broken man that you could fix up into a “valuable asset”._

_And you were my mission._

_May was a way in._

_Skye reminded me of me before Garrett._

_Fitz and Simmons were. . . well that’s not the point of this letter._

_The point is Operation BadHat. Code: 36849378-Z-4-H_

_It contains all you need to know about the recent Hydra Operations._

_I don't feel guilty of what I've done. I do not regret choosing Garrett over jail. I am not in anyway apologizing._

_I just- I just see your damn face. That Guilt Face. And honestly, I do not the “what if he had a better childhood, maybe he wouldn't be fucked up.” Or Skye’s “Oh, so that’s who I almost had sex with” face._

_Or Fitz._

_I do not deserve the freedom to apologize. That would be asking for forgiveness. And admitting that I am guilty._

_And I am- guilty. I am guilty of the realization that you do Believe in People. And I can't do it. I can not-_

_I can not stay locked in a cell, proof that I harmed the people that I like._

_I am not guilty. Guilt means that I can be forgiven. I do not deserve to ask for that or to act guilty. I do not deserve the feeling that leads to what Skye would call “puppy eyes”. Not when Fitz is. . ._

_So yeah, I write to you to tell you that code. And because, you were the only person that was not fooled by Romanov. So I kinda doubt that you were fooled by me._

  
_And I think that your experiment( the Barton 2.0) didn’t work. I think you tried to get me to be human. By appointing me Skye’s CO, and letting me(you can kick my ass with a pen) have sex with May._

_May was my in._

_I think I was yours. Even if I didn't deflect, then you could always hang me out of the helicarrier._

_I honestly don't know if Barton 2.0 would've worked, but I wanted to thank you for trying. I want to thank you for believing in people._

_But I don't deserved to be saved. That’s not guilt. That’s hard cold fact. Fitz alone . . ._

_So thanks for knowing how much bullshit I'm full of._

_-Ward_

_P.S. Congrats on the promotion_

 

* * *

 

“WARD!” Hands grabbed at me. Hauling me on the ground. Running down my chest. “What did you take?” Slapps to my face. “What did you take?”

 

I closed my eyes.

 

“Lance, syringe!” I felt a jab to my chest.

 

“Easy, you're gonna be alright.” I coughed hard, jerking away. “Shhh. Easy. Take it easy.” Those damn hands were back, shining a light in my eyes. I tried to thrash up. Coulson’s face was six inches above mine.

 

“The injection counteracts those nice cyanide teeth you got there.” I flinched and tried to get up. Coulson easily pinned me back down. “Are you going to try something like that again?” I tried again to roll away. He held me still.

 

“Sir.” Lance thrust my letter at Coulson.

 

Coulson sat on me and pinned my arms with one hand. He used the other hand to take the letter and read it. His face remained expressionless. Lance watched me for any sign that I had another capsule in my mouth.

 

“I am going to let you up. You are going to walk the five steps to your bed and sit down.”

 

Coulson got off me. I walked those five steps and sat down; I did not look at Coulson. Coulson pulled a slim, silver bracelet out his pocket. I tensed, but did not look up, seeing him out of the corners of my eyes.

 

“This bracelet, as you well know, runs on electrical impulses of the body. That means that it reads your biofeedback and emotions. You can thank Thor and Stark for that recent addition. It means that it will alert me, and only me, when you hit yellow or red zone. You even think about pinching yourself or running into a gunfight or not eating etcetera, I will know. It is also unbreakable, not hackable, and will only alert me when you try something this stupid again.”

 

I held still while he snapped it on my wrist.

 

“Okay, up you get.” Coulson leveraged me off the bed. I kept my eyes trained on the ground.

 

“Coulson?”

 

“You are staying with me for a little bit.” He led me out of the cell and through the hallways to his office. Coulson eased me down into the chair in front of his desk, I sat still as a rock.

 

“You are going to talk with somebody about that letter, Ward. It can be me, Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes, Barton, or a mix of.”

 

“What happens if I don’t talk? Do you send me back in a cell? Give me up to the US military or throw me in an interrogation room?”

 

“No to all the above. If you don’t talk than we'll go get crappy take out and watch reality TV. I am not going to thrust you off on somebody, Ward. I want you to talk to somebody so I can start clearing you for active service.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“Clearing you apparently involves teaching you things like that guilt is not a privilege. Guilt is admitting that you are in the wrong, and that you understand that you know that you did wrong. Apologizing is saying to whomever you harmed that you feel bad that you hurt them. It is spoken acknowledgement that you are sorry and that you will try to be better. It is not an excuse. It is not asking for forgiveness. You are not asking for forgiveness when you apologize or feel guilty. You are admitting that you hurt people. And hurting people is something that everybody has done. I hear SHIELD has special classes on hurting people.”

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

“Ward.” I looked up at him. His eyes were calm and solid, firm in his beliefs. “I would rather clear you as a responsible person than clear you as officially dead.”

 

“I'll talk to Barton, and Barnes.”

 

Maybe, I’ll be okay.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I got the apologizing thing from Hank Green's video: How to Apologize Like a Fartbag  
> (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc_XWlqURTg)
> 
> I figured this would help to decrease some world suck, but all credit of those ideas belong to Hank Green, and not me. Please do not sue me.
> 
> I think I'm going to add to this, but I'm not known for getting things updated on time so its complete for the moment since it's at a good stopping point. Please hit kudos or review.


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